Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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