I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
