How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Randomize
