she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
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You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
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