Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Someone signed my nipple.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize