remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Randomize
