I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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