I just pynch a tree in the face
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Randomize
