I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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