remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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