The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
