she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
