The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
