i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
