You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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