I hate your face
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
