bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
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