I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
