Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
