why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
