First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
