Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Randomize
