Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
Randomize
