Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
When are your genitals available?
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
