You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Randomize
