when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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