my phone needs a breathalizer
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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