so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
