butt plug
anus plug
rubbish cock?
yes
you suck at this game today
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
