his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Randomize
