all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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