***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
