I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
