My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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