At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
it's like heaven, but drunker
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Randomize
