you're like a bully in the Christmas story
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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