i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Someone shattered a urinal.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
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