hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Randomize
