I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Randomize
