then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
is wine microwaveable?
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Randomize
