I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
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