Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
