how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Randomize
