pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
