I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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