They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
you made out with another girl for some wings
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
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