She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
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