You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
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