so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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