So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
