i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
