awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Randomize
