I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
my vag is so smooth its legendary
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
