Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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