In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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