How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Randomize
