im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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