when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Randomize
