i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
