By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
