did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
this beer tastes like vomit already
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
