I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
