I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Randomize
