mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
