Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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